⚠ CRITICAL SECURITY BREACH DETECTED ⚠ CRITICAL SECURITY BREACH DETECTED ⚠
💀
YOU'VE BEEN HACKED
// SYSTEM COMPROMISED // ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US //
// PRIMARY TARGET IDENTIFIED //
PLABAN
Vulnerability exploited: Left computer unattended & unlocked (again)
// EXFILTRATION STATUS //
Saved Passwords100% STOLEN
Browser History100% STOLEN
Lunch order preferences100% STOLEN
// THREAT INTELLIGENCE //
Threat Actor:Your Colleague
Attack Vector:Physical Access (You Left)
CVE ID:CVE-LOCK-UR-MAC
Severity:VERY EMBARRASSING
Time to breach:0.3 seconds
Times warned:loading...
[00:00:01]ALERT: Unattended workstation detected. Initiating breach protocol...
[00:00:02]Scanning for sensitive files... found 4,721 files
[00:00:03]Exfiltrating "definitely_not_my_diary.txt"... done
[00:00:04]Exfiltrating browser history... wow Plaban... just wow
[00:00:05]Uploading everything to our servers at evil.hacker.biz...
[00:00:06]CRITICAL: Found calendar event "Team lunch Friday" — now we know your lunch spot 😈
[00:00:07]Installing rootkit... just kidding. Maybe.
[00:00:08]Setting desktop wallpaper to a picture of Nicolas Cage...
⚡ OUR DEMANDS ⚡
- You must bring donuts to the office. Glazed. This is non-negotiable.
- You must publicly admit you never lock your Mac.
- You must learn the shortcut: ⌘ + CTRL + Q
- You must tell everyone you got hacked. It builds character.
Failure to comply will result in your desktop background being changed to a stock photo of a cat in a business suit. You have been warned.
// TIME UNTIL DONUTS REQUIRED //
10:00
// OKAY, OKAY — YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY HACKED //
But a real attacker would have been done in seconds.
No password required. No drama. Just an unlocked laptop and thirty seconds of alone time.
This has been a public service announcement brought to you by your friendly neighbourhood IT colleague,
who is tired of writing "HACKED!!!" in Spotlight.
⌘ + CTRL + Q = Lock screen. Use it. Always. Please. 🙏